I’m not even sure Newt is still campaigning, but if he is, he’s doing it wrong.

Newt took two hours of his schedule to schmooze at the St. Louis Zoo.

The candidate for the Republican presidential nomination sustained a small injury during a visit to the St. Louis Zoo on Friday, where he was getting a two-hour private tour. A Magellanic penguin nipped Gingrich’s finger, but the injury only required a Band-Aid, according to the zoo. 

Um, Newt, penguins can’t actually vote. However, it appears they have spoken.

Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus was on a rhetorical roll Thursday. In an interview with Bloomberg TV set to air this weekend, Priebus said the so-called “war on women” is a Democratic fabrication perpetuated by the media, as frivolous as a “war on caterpillars.”

RIIIIIGHT.

Then why is the GOP all up in my uterus and how I use it?

Maybe Rick Santorum wasn’t going to use the “N” word? Maybe he was going to call President Obama a nincompoop?

It’s true.

“friends don’t let friends use pink balls.”

He’s talking about bowling balls (I think).

It’s like this guy has never Googled his name.

If Main Street is a place much like Boardwalk on Monopoly.

At Mitt Romney’s proposed California beach house, the cars will have their own separate elevator.

There’s also a planned outdoor shower and a 3,600-square foot basement — a room with more floor space than the existing home’s entire living quarters.

So, think about that when you see Mitt in his dad jeans telling folks he totally relates to them. He obviously thinks we’re all like him.

And I am. I just have to win tonight’s Mega Millions jackpot a about 5 times.

Yes. That’s VERY presidential.